Cheys_Blog
Two nights ago started out badly again...he was distant, distracted, not talking to me and I was so mad, so frustrated, I just left the event we were attending. He finally noticed and said soemthing. Again threatened to log off then it was like a switch turned and he poured out so much to me...
Reservations about his marriage...his lack of love for his wife, lack of like for his wife, lack of desire to be married to his wife. How can I hear him say all this yet at the same time hear him say he cant leave????
I got within a hairs breath of saying I love you, and I think he did too but we both agreed it would be bad to do so. So now what? Now we are playing Lineage 2 and barely talking. Hes like some anonymous online gaming buddy. Where is the connection in all this? what am I waiting for? why does he have to say in one breath hes been thinking of ways for us to meet, then rapidly say he knows we cannot do that? Why tell me you dont want me to look for a BF then say you feel bad for holding me back? Why tell me you cant leave her now, that it might be never...or might be next week? What sort of mind fuck is going on here?
I am tired and fried and need to sleep. I am sleeping like the dead now. where as before our marathon convo two nights ago, I was fitful and restless, I have ha dtwo solid nights of SLEEP. is it peace of mind? being resigned to my fate? sheer exhaustion?
I sold my house in There tonite. Can you believe somoene paid me $212 CASH on pay pal for it? WTF??? Is the fun zone next to go? I thik so but F is telling me to wait. I dont know why...
He continues to run hot and cold. So hot and so cold that sometimes I wonder if its all just a fucking game. Is he trying to play emotional roulette with me? Or maybe hes just schizo. I dont know but its hard.
Less than a week ago, I logged in a lil tipsy and told him I was feeling him so strong, wanted ot say so much, but was heading out again. He told me it was GOOD i was going out cuz he was really feeling me and in danger of losing his cap on it.
F i just know tonight i would go too far...so i can't stay... this is me holding back... i always feel bad about that
but i have to ... 'pounce
C: it still amazes me that thinking about sitting quietly and kissing and snuggling with you makes me feel so good
F yeah me too, maybe too good
C even keeping it at "second base" is just a great thought
F yeah well i am not in a seconcd base mood with you tonight
C less?
F uh, no
F so...
F must run like the wind
C oh baby....*sigh*
F just trying to be honest with you too is all
C I know
C but its good to hear even that, you know?
F yes
C my heart is with you, and thats hard to take sometimes
F yes it is, and to be honest, i'm really having a hard time holding back... you are really something
F so i have to cool my jets i guess
C never thought Id ever wish so hard about just being able to meet someone
C a twenty person chaperone might be needed but to just see you...
F take more than 20 to keep me off of you gf
C *sigh* and me off of you
F :)
F just can't let myself get carried away, as much as i'd like to
C well we have done ok so far, havent we?
F so it's one of those tougher moments
F yes we have
C the shower story wasnt going to far, I hope
C too*
F it's not that stuff S****
F it's just how i feel about you
F i have to rein that in a lot
F and tonight/today is one of those times
C God, I wish you didnt
F i missed you a lot
F haven't seen you much lately
C you have no idea how much I have missed you
C I was glad you had fun with your brother last nite but
C really felt like I was drifting without an anchor
F yeah, it's not getting easier
F but it's usually managable
We had several more bad days, and yesterday started off so badly, I thought we were in danger of breaking up...as a couple, as friends, whatever. I asked him to VC with me and smoothed over the issue at hand, though felt a bit false in the process. Told him that I, too, worried we were screwing things up so badly that our friendship seemed in danger.
He came back online in There and it was like a switch had been turned back on it him. He was happy, and flirty and let me flirt heavily with him. The silences were weighted with desire and thoughts we knew were best not to elaborate upon.
Today I got home from work and he said "I changed my profile again." I looked and grinned and blushed and tried to stop the fluttering in my heart:
"Nothing beats having intelligent, funny, silly, exciting, engaging conversations with a friend... and when you can do that with your girlfriend, what more can you ask? When you can spend every online moment with that person and have those conversations time and again, well, simply put ... I got it made. C******* you are the best! :D"
Guess I better find more words to say how much he means to me... =)
How do you tell some one you cannot love, should not love, that you love them? why is he the first person I think of when I wake up? The last one I think of before I sleep? Why did I step so willingly into something I knew would cause me pain?
Do we ever stop ourselves from something we know will be painful in the end if the short term picture seems filled with happiness? I dont think I do, dont think I can.
Its so awfully different this week, sometimes it takes everything in me not to just walk away. But why am I staying? Do I have some lingering hope it will go back to how it was? And if so, why is that something to wish for? So I can end up happy but frustrated? Crazy for him but doomed to never be with him? Why did I not say "this is going to be too mcuh, time to stop now?"
Instead, I let him do it. I let him pull the rug out from under me. He is pushing us back and his guard is up so high, its like we were barely together. Every once in a while, there is a flash of that amazing intimacy, and my heart soars. But it never catches fire and flies smoothly like it used to. And somehow, I manage to always say too much and chase him back down the rabbit hole.
Why does the phrase "I love you" scream in my ears when we are together? How can I LOVE him...what do I actually know about him? Besides how he used to treat me, and how sweetly he talked to me, and how unhappy he is now. Do I really have some delusional thought that we will manage to get thru this horrible patch, get back to being close flirty friends and some day meet and make something of this? Why do I sound like Im trying to convince him to leave his wife when I talk to him? Where the hell am I coming from, and more importantly, where do I think we are going? How naive can I be?
I wish we could go back. If nothing else, to when we were simple friends, mocking each other. But now, every phrase is so heavily weighted. Every silence bears down upon me heavily. We know we are struggling, our communication is flailing. But with his guard up, his censors stopping him from saying much of anything, it leaves me with spans of silence that Im left to fill with my own negative creative imaginiation. I assume the worse, just like I always do. Back before we confessed how crazy we were for each other, I could embrace the silences, and know they meant nothing. Why are they now so saddening?
I wish I could learn to shut up. Bite my tongue, say so much less than I do. But I guess the fact that I have avoided saying "I love you" is all I can demand of myself. The rest he must put up with. But its awful. I know I love him...in love with him? I dont know...but love him, sure. I know hes unhappy, that Im very important to him...am I second in his life after his kids? Is that fucked up for him to say? How can I be?? How can he be so much to me?
When am I going to quit chasing vapors of men and expose myself to the risks of real love?
Still complicated, still bad. He almost logged off abruptly on me 2 nights ago, just feeling overwhelmed with guilt and not wanting to face the idea of letting me down. Our convo from a few days ago (his side only):
well let me say this... no way do i want us to stop what we have ok? not even close
this has been and IS great and i dont want it to stop but yes, i have gotten cautious
and was just thinking that in the shower and it's bc we are fast approaching that line of no return so to speak
and it is NOT your fault AT ALL you said that i set the pace and that is true
you have not pushed at all ok? we are ok.... nothing breaking down nothing going to end
for me, it has more to do with not being a "faithful" husband, despite the fact i have told her recently i am unhappy
so far i am ok it's where i am taking us that i think i need to watch out for
cause it's not you at all but please dont worry
i like what we say and do but you know?
i've been thinking... how do i take the next step?
and that is what i think haunts me because i want to so badly
you know, this is fun and all... and maybe i'm just silly... but i can see us being friends for life
and that would be hard o do
if we you know
and then you meet a guy rl
and have to tell me, well we cant do this anymore
and i get hurt or whatever
primarily, it has to do with me and were my heart lies
it's with my kids first
my wife is not 2nd
anymore
but
i still am married to her
and i owe it to my kids to be "true" so ti speak but if not for the kids
i would not be here i stay for them
and try to be civil for them
it's amazing what one will do for theirchildren
GF, i think about you ALL DAY
i mean it
what are you doing? where are you? when will you bb on and on
wish you were here, wsh i could share this with you, wish i could take you to the deer farm blah blah blah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am floundering right now. I love the words he says, I wish we could go forward, I wish we could go backward, I wish we were somewhere else besides where we are RIGHT NOW. To tell me he wants me, that he is unhappy yet act like he is unsure of who we are is just tearing me up. He was the man I could always depend on to act how he felt. And now, hes acting against how he feels, and pulling back while simultaneously pulling me closer. Is this all a giant mind fuck in the making? Even when we are apart, and I try to be rational, I fail. How is it possible to go from Euphoria to sadness in a week?
ITs getting complicated. He is clearly crazy about me, as I am about him. But he is wracked with guilt about his wife. However, hes told me his marriage is a mess and he is staying with her for the kids. `sigh
Some of the interesting snippets of convo:
i will enjoy working on this relationship with you
even though we have to work on these strange issues
that you would not encounter with a single guy
but you need to do something for me too
i may go to far as well
and you may have to say...
are you sure you want to go there?
i'm weak i tell you
weak
when it comes to you
hey sweet thang
C :) hey BF of mine
F :)
F you just have to give me time
C I know
F takes me a while to ease into you
F and it's not your fault
F just me
C you are just really special to me, Richard
F ditto
F Sharyn
C hurts me to see you uncomfortable or stressed
F well i know
C and I feel guilty that Im contributing to that
F naw
F you help me
C you have been a great addition to my life
F ty
C and I am not going to qualify that with "online life"
F you too though
F see this is one of those "Be careful Richard" moments for me
F cause right now i am really really really likin you
C yes
F ( a lot)
C Im getting heart pains
C :)
F me too baby
F 'sigh
C `hug
F 'kiss
C `kiss
F :)
F sheesh
C ?
F wish wish wish
C yes
F got a penny?
F toss it in the fountain
C yes :)
i cant say this in public lol.... but
ok
well, i was just thinking
that we'd have GREAT um.... because...
the best umm... is when you are trying hard to please the other... not just yourself
and we try hard to make each other feel good
that may be more than i should have ever said
C: I am just enjoying you, nothing remarkable about me
F :O
F ok well
F i hope you weren't planning on going to bed soon
F cause i will now begin to list the remarkabel things
C lol
F 1. Intelligent
C please dont
C sounds boring already
F :O
C lol
F 2. Witty
F 3. Talented
stop
F4. Nice voice
F 5. Great Laugh
C lol
F no i wont
C come on
F 6. Charming
F i will do this every time you tell me that you aren nothing special
F cause you ARE
More Great nights have come and gone since then, though this weekend was ruined slightly by his RL issues distracting and frustrating him. I still hesitate to probe into his RL unhappiness but its clear its there, and real and annoying.
I spent Saturday just thinking of him, achingly. It was painful, wandering around a city that bears his avatar's name, and thinking of a man I cannot have. When he did log on, his was distracted, and just dull. We found time at the end of the night to reconnect, but clearly, his emotions for me are starting to make it hard for him to act normal around his wife. he seems to feel guilty doing stuff and saying stuff with me that would not have phased him two weeks ago. A lot of the issue that day was his wife was home and floating around. He just had no abililty to relax and enjoy our time together for fear shed walk in.
On sunday, we had nothing but good fortune but not particular great romance. He brought his son online and I joined them for some paintballing and biking and loungingl. It was fun. And a good friend of mine logged on and gave me a house, which made Richard and I just giddy with happiness. We headed over to look at it and I was just yearning for a kiss but he didnt go for it. I had us start wandering around and finally got him to admit he didnt know where his wife was, or when shed be coming back, so he was skittish. But soon thereafter, she IMd him, and he relaxed. We started having this discussion of various pieces of furniture and how "useful" they looked. LOL At one point he said quite seriously, I didnt expect to like you this much, or care about you this much. And I will tell you, because you know how to take this and wont misunderstand, that I would absolutely be with you IRL. `sigh He also expressed concern about always leaving me waiting, and his guilt about doing so. I said Im a grown up, I knew the deal when I walked in, and Im not unabl to walk away if Im unhappy. He knows that but still doesnt quite get why I put up with so much.
Today ,monday, remained awkward. caught each other briefly this am in There, and then IMd on YIM later on. Pretty neutral on his end. We logged into There and did our usual bumming around but it was disinterested, again. I began to doubt it all, despite our convo from last nite. Then we had something silly and stupid blow up and he said he was going to log off because he couldnt deal with more stress ontop of what ws going on IRL. I said ok, see u toomrrow, but thankfully he came back on almost immediately. We decided to build a track but as the night wound up, we had made no progress on decorating the house and he wsa being standoffish. I should have known what it meant. He was worried about his wife, again. Apparently, he is so self conscious of how he feels about me, that he thought shed perceive it from just watching us decorate our house. `hmm I said "didnt you have TSO GFs? didnt you decorate your houses together?" "I didnt really like them" `sigh "I dont want to be seen playing house (with you)" he added. I suggested we might work on the house tomorrow night. "I would like to , I just dont want to be seen doing it. I dont want to risk losing you."
`gulp
Getting in over my head? No doubt about it...
There is just no way I can keep this thing up to date with all the things going on in my There life. I spend so much time there, so much memorable and amazing stuff happens, that I just cant do it justice. Some of the more memorable points...
Greg dropped by my zone a few days ago as I sat there talking with Geena and Richard. He immediately IMd me as he joined the chat group, telling me he was selling off his zone. In the chat group, he made idle though stilted conversation, and at one point asked me PERSONALLY "chey, you know what a trouser snake is, right?" Richard saw that and was pissed. I was too but just said "I dont know what you are talking about, why dont you explain?" He soon made his exit but threw me a `heart on his way out. Damn him.
Richard and I have started having nightly sit and chat sessions. I cant explain how much they mean to me. We have made such a overwhelming transition from cracking on each other and gentle mockery to compliments and flattery and wistful remarks of what we know cannot happen. For me, I know what I have always felt but to hear him shifting in how he talks...its just breath taking. For the guard to come down, and him to freely admit how much he liked me from the start, how much he wanted to be with me, in whatever form I allowed, how he finds it hard not to think about me when we are not together.... Heady stuff. Funny how in the past lines like this always sounded so fake, but coming from him, his shyness about saying it makes it all the sweeter.
I know he is struggling. I am sensing his home life is not happy. His wife is off at school or studying so much of the time, and he is overburdened with the kids. Nights he has been promised to get a break, he does not get. Things they apparently have discussed about making the burden of childcare equal, have been ignored multiple times by his wife. Its the one topic I cannot ask him about. He hints about his unhappiness, about making me smile when he otherwise has not good stuff going on. He told me his wife even remarked that he has seemed happier the last two weeks. *big grin* I am wondering if despite his protests of loyalty and never wanting to cross the line, if maybe theres more problems in that marriage than he lets on. Last nite I told him how much I appreciate his sweetness and courtesy towards me, how thats all I ever wanted from a man. He remarked he has always tried to do that for his wife--still does--but it is unappreciated. I guess this is the part that makes it all scary. Its one thing to fall for him and crush and flirt and maybe even cyber with him. But do I ever dare to delve into the details of their relationship? Is that not the ultimate taboo?
We are progressing as a couple in world. We are together, at all times. We sit close and talk constantly and build together. There are no longer questions if we are a couple. Its understood. He has suprised me in wonderful ways every step of the way. I decided this week to take thursday off. I wanted a break before my partner takes off for a week, so on Wednesday am, I decided to take the next day off. I called me office, told them to make it happen, and mentioned it to Richard. A short while later he said "I think Im going to take the day off, too." :O I was so surprised, adn thrilled and flattered. We spent the day together and sadly ended up exhausting ourselves with this marathon hosting spell, but it was a huge joint event between us. We decided we would co own the zone, and stop fighting about money. At mid day, we took a break and headed to the campfire in the woods. We kissed and somehow managed to express our desire. Funny how seeing his little cute `tongue emote coming more and more frequently and interspersed with `hearts just made me giggy,,,and turned on. WE ended the night in a floating hot tub and again pushed the limits of how much flirting we allowed. He told me he was shy--if nothing else for concern of how Id react to him doing that, and his inability to put into words. I told him he had done fine so far. That the remark about kissing my belly as we stood beneath the climbing tree, and the offer of a piggy back ride, were just great starts. He admitted, hesitantly, that the piggy back ride idea in a pool was his specific thought, because it would be so easy to spin me around so we were face to face. "oh, " i said, "but with my legs and arms still wrapped around you, my eyes looking into yours?" "Yes," he said, "always." *catching my breath* It progressed from there to a funny but erotic little act of pretending he was my personal cabana boy, drying me off after the hot tub. But rather than leaving it at him wearing the terrycloth bathrobe I wanted to rub up against, he suggested he get a big one so I could step inside it with him, and maybe we should take off our wet clothes to speed the process... *grin* Funny and cute and erotic. Hard to get any better than that. He did, however, ultimately hit a wall, where his shyness made him stop. I nodded, and happily kissed him good nite.
Yesterday was more great ness. But the end of the day again, proved to be the highlight. We complimented and flattered each other and he told me, hesitantly, that he was having a hard time following the rules he laid down at the beginning of our "relaitonship." "Well," I said "you wrote the rules, you can change them. They are for your protection and comfort level." "Ok, then" he paused. " from now on, there are no rules. What happens happens." :O :D
Naturally he made it clear this meant regardling online. Offline he had cracked the day before "Maybe we could meet some day, if you get married and I come out on a visit with my family." ROFL Chaperones, anyone? But the references to RL are popping up more regularly. Offering to fix me dinner, kindly promising to make me some popcorn if I fly on out, etc. Oh, boy, a little scary. But heady heady stuff. I want him and am crazy about him. He wants me and is crazy about me. How can this go anywhere but badly in the long run?
