Its all disintegrating and Im just too tired to fight it. We are now playing L2 and theres nothing intimate about it. He has clammed up so tight I dont know what the fuck is going on in his world. He and his wife had a talk this week and it went well, he said. Maybe after finals things will improve between them. Great--just what I wanted to hear.../end sarcasm.
I am tired of his180 degree change in emotions. Tired of the fact that he can shut down all conversation except game BS then be mad that I dont understand all the shit hes putting up with. Im tired of acting like someone I am NOT--kissing his ass rather than saying "You know what this is bullshit." Im tired of the fact that the same man who used to lavish me with attention, make me 100% sure he was crazy about me, now barely talks and gets pissed at me for asking him to talk more. Im tired of crying about him. I cant believe I actually cried myself to sleep last night. No matter how fucking amazing it was, I need to understand and accept that he is NOT perfect, and at this point, is not amazing. He is flawed, just like me. And right now, his flaws are so glaring and hurtful that I am seeing that I need to pull back and move on. To quit chasing this lingering hope that some day he will go back to the great guy who just made me giddy to think about him. I cannot sit here and be his cheerleader and get nothing in return. I thought I could, I really did.
But Im worth more than that.
I have half an inkling to delete all the great conversations we had, but I also want to keep them, to remind me WHY I fell so hard for him. To remind me that somewhere in him is greatness, that right now, I think/hope, he is just so overwhelmed and depressed, he cannot show that side of him. But whats the point of that? So I can continue pining for him?
What a fucking miserable week. I am so tired of clenching at straws. I am worth more than that.
So why dont I act like it??
