Cheys_Blog
Oh yeah, I had a blog
I can't believe I forgot about this blog. Today, I found an email in my spam filter letting me know it was migrating and I needed to authorize my content to be moved.
I've reread about half the entries. I think what's going most through my thoughts is I can still remember how crazy I was about Richard (aka Foster). I remember how happy he made me feel, how special he made me feel, and how awful I felt when it ended. I will admit that long after it ended, I did email him, hoping that somehow he'd want to reply, even on a neutral level. He didn't, and it hurt. It's now coming up on 20 years since our insane start in There, and I do wonder what could have been. Meanwhile, I struggled to remember the first guy I was discussing (Greg, aka Psi) but Richard's memory is still clear.
I don't think I ever wrote down the details of our break up, and I naturally do not remember details. I know he and I and his friend moved over to L2 but it wasn't the same. That game isn't built for emoting and creating tight social bonds like There was, so a relationship already having troubles isn't going to get much help there. I don't think we had any romance in L2. I remember him being almost angry so much of the time and he was the one who broke it off. His friend (who's name I do not remember) just sat there as a neutral 3rd party, although I think he confirmed my suspicions that Richard didn't grow to hate me, but grew to hate how our online thing was emotionally threatening his marriage. I'm still sad about how it ended, but to quote a line from a movie, "of course it ended badly. If things didn't end badly, they wouldn't end at all." (Being the nerd that I am, I looked it up. It's from the movie Cocktail. "Jesus, everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end" )
Its all disintegrating and Im just too tired to fight it. We are now playing L2 and theres nothing intimate about it. He has clammed up so tight I dont know what the fuck is going on in his world. He and his wife had a talk this week and it went well, he said. Maybe after finals things will improve between them. Great--just what I wanted to hear.../end sarcasm.
I am tired of his180 degree change in emotions. Tired of the fact that he can shut down all conversation except game BS then be mad that I dont understand all the shit hes putting up with. Im tired of acting like someone I am NOT--kissing his ass rather than saying "You know what this is bullshit." Im tired of the fact that the same man who used to lavish me with attention, make me 100% sure he was crazy about me, now barely talks and gets pissed at me for asking him to talk more. Im tired of crying about him. I cant believe I actually cried myself to sleep last night. No matter how fucking amazing it was, I need to understand and accept that he is NOT perfect, and at this point, is not amazing. He is flawed, just like me. And right now, his flaws are so glaring and hurtful that I am seeing that I need to pull back and move on. To quit chasing this lingering hope that some day he will go back to the great guy who just made me giddy to think about him. I cannot sit here and be his cheerleader and get nothing in return. I thought I could, I really did.
But Im worth more than that.
I have half an inkling to delete all the great conversations we had, but I also want to keep them, to remind me WHY I fell so hard for him. To remind me that somewhere in him is greatness, that right now, I think/hope, he is just so overwhelmed and depressed, he cannot show that side of him. But whats the point of that? So I can continue pining for him?
What a fucking miserable week. I am so tired of clenching at straws. I am worth more than that.
So why dont I act like it??
Two nights ago started out badly again...he was distant, distracted, not talking to me and I was so mad, so frustrated, I just left the event we were attending. He finally noticed and said soemthing. Again threatened to log off then it was like a switch turned and he poured out so much to me...
Reservations about his marriage...his lack of love for his wife, lack of like for his wife, lack of desire to be married to his wife. How can I hear him say all this yet at the same time hear him say he cant leave????
I got within a hairs breath of saying I love you, and I think he did too but we both agreed it would be bad to do so. So now what? Now we are playing Lineage 2 and barely talking. Hes like some anonymous online gaming buddy. Where is the connection in all this? what am I waiting for? why does he have to say in one breath hes been thinking of ways for us to meet, then rapidly say he knows we cannot do that? Why tell me you dont want me to look for a BF then say you feel bad for holding me back? Why tell me you cant leave her now, that it might be never...or might be next week? What sort of mind fuck is going on here?
I am tired and fried and need to sleep. I am sleeping like the dead now. where as before our marathon convo two nights ago, I was fitful and restless, I have ha dtwo solid nights of SLEEP. is it peace of mind? being resigned to my fate? sheer exhaustion?
I sold my house in There tonite. Can you believe somoene paid me $212 CASH on pay pal for it? WTF??? Is the fun zone next to go? I thik so but F is telling me to wait. I dont know why...
He continues to run hot and cold. So hot and so cold that sometimes I wonder if its all just a fucking game. Is he trying to play emotional roulette with me? Or maybe hes just schizo. I dont know but its hard.
Less than a week ago, I logged in a lil tipsy and told him I was feeling him so strong, wanted ot say so much, but was heading out again. He told me it was GOOD i was going out cuz he was really feeling me and in danger of losing his cap on it.
F i just know tonight i would go too far...so i can't stay... this is me holding back... i always feel bad about that
but i have to ... 'pounce
C: it still amazes me that thinking about sitting quietly and kissing and snuggling with you makes me feel so good
F yeah me too, maybe too good
C even keeping it at "second base" is just a great thought
F yeah well i am not in a seconcd base mood with you tonight
C less?
F uh, no
F so...
F must run like the wind
C oh baby....*sigh*
F just trying to be honest with you too is all
C I know
C but its good to hear even that, you know?
F yes
C my heart is with you, and thats hard to take sometimes
F yes it is, and to be honest, i'm really having a hard time holding back... you are really something
F so i have to cool my jets i guess
C never thought Id ever wish so hard about just being able to meet someone
C a twenty person chaperone might be needed but to just see you...
F take more than 20 to keep me off of you gf
C *sigh* and me off of you
F :)
F just can't let myself get carried away, as much as i'd like to
C well we have done ok so far, havent we?
F so it's one of those tougher moments
F yes we have
C the shower story wasnt going to far, I hope
C too*
F it's not that stuff S****
F it's just how i feel about you
F i have to rein that in a lot
F and tonight/today is one of those times
C God, I wish you didnt
F i missed you a lot
F haven't seen you much lately
C you have no idea how much I have missed you
C I was glad you had fun with your brother last nite but
C really felt like I was drifting without an anchor
F yeah, it's not getting easier
F but it's usually managable
We had several more bad days, and yesterday started off so badly, I thought we were in danger of breaking up...as a couple, as friends, whatever. I asked him to VC with me and smoothed over the issue at hand, though felt a bit false in the process. Told him that I, too, worried we were screwing things up so badly that our friendship seemed in danger.
He came back online in There and it was like a switch had been turned back on it him. He was happy, and flirty and let me flirt heavily with him. The silences were weighted with desire and thoughts we knew were best not to elaborate upon.
Today I got home from work and he said "I changed my profile again." I looked and grinned and blushed and tried to stop the fluttering in my heart:
"Nothing beats having intelligent, funny, silly, exciting, engaging conversations with a friend... and when you can do that with your girlfriend, what more can you ask? When you can spend every online moment with that person and have those conversations time and again, well, simply put ... I got it made. C******* you are the best! :D"
Guess I better find more words to say how much he means to me... =)
How do you tell some one you cannot love, should not love, that you love them? why is he the first person I think of when I wake up? The last one I think of before I sleep? Why did I step so willingly into something I knew would cause me pain?
Do we ever stop ourselves from something we know will be painful in the end if the short term picture seems filled with happiness? I dont think I do, dont think I can.
Its so awfully different this week, sometimes it takes everything in me not to just walk away. But why am I staying? Do I have some lingering hope it will go back to how it was? And if so, why is that something to wish for? So I can end up happy but frustrated? Crazy for him but doomed to never be with him? Why did I not say "this is going to be too mcuh, time to stop now?"
Instead, I let him do it. I let him pull the rug out from under me. He is pushing us back and his guard is up so high, its like we were barely together. Every once in a while, there is a flash of that amazing intimacy, and my heart soars. But it never catches fire and flies smoothly like it used to. And somehow, I manage to always say too much and chase him back down the rabbit hole.
Why does the phrase "I love you" scream in my ears when we are together? How can I LOVE him...what do I actually know about him? Besides how he used to treat me, and how sweetly he talked to me, and how unhappy he is now. Do I really have some delusional thought that we will manage to get thru this horrible patch, get back to being close flirty friends and some day meet and make something of this? Why do I sound like Im trying to convince him to leave his wife when I talk to him? Where the hell am I coming from, and more importantly, where do I think we are going? How naive can I be?
I wish we could go back. If nothing else, to when we were simple friends, mocking each other. But now, every phrase is so heavily weighted. Every silence bears down upon me heavily. We know we are struggling, our communication is flailing. But with his guard up, his censors stopping him from saying much of anything, it leaves me with spans of silence that Im left to fill with my own negative creative imaginiation. I assume the worse, just like I always do. Back before we confessed how crazy we were for each other, I could embrace the silences, and know they meant nothing. Why are they now so saddening?
I wish I could learn to shut up. Bite my tongue, say so much less than I do. But I guess the fact that I have avoided saying "I love you" is all I can demand of myself. The rest he must put up with. But its awful. I know I love him...in love with him? I dont know...but love him, sure. I know hes unhappy, that Im very important to him...am I second in his life after his kids? Is that fucked up for him to say? How can I be?? How can he be so much to me?
When am I going to quit chasing vapors of men and expose myself to the risks of real love?
Still complicated, still bad. He almost logged off abruptly on me 2 nights ago, just feeling overwhelmed with guilt and not wanting to face the idea of letting me down. Our convo from a few days ago (his side only):
well let me say this... no way do i want us to stop what we have ok? not even close
this has been and IS great and i dont want it to stop but yes, i have gotten cautious
and was just thinking that in the shower and it's bc we are fast approaching that line of no return so to speak
and it is NOT your fault AT ALL you said that i set the pace and that is true
you have not pushed at all ok? we are ok.... nothing breaking down nothing going to end
for me, it has more to do with not being a "faithful" husband, despite the fact i have told her recently i am unhappy
so far i am ok it's where i am taking us that i think i need to watch out for
cause it's not you at all but please dont worry
i like what we say and do but you know?
i've been thinking... how do i take the next step?
and that is what i think haunts me because i want to so badly
you know, this is fun and all... and maybe i'm just silly... but i can see us being friends for life
and that would be hard o do
if we you know
and then you meet a guy rl
and have to tell me, well we cant do this anymore
and i get hurt or whatever
primarily, it has to do with me and were my heart lies
it's with my kids first
my wife is not 2nd
anymore
but
i still am married to her
and i owe it to my kids to be "true" so ti speak but if not for the kids
i would not be here i stay for them
and try to be civil for them
it's amazing what one will do for theirchildren
GF, i think about you ALL DAY
i mean it
what are you doing? where are you? when will you bb on and on
wish you were here, wsh i could share this with you, wish i could take you to the deer farm blah blah blah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am floundering right now. I love the words he says, I wish we could go forward, I wish we could go backward, I wish we were somewhere else besides where we are RIGHT NOW. To tell me he wants me, that he is unhappy yet act like he is unsure of who we are is just tearing me up. He was the man I could always depend on to act how he felt. And now, hes acting against how he feels, and pulling back while simultaneously pulling me closer. Is this all a giant mind fuck in the making? Even when we are apart, and I try to be rational, I fail. How is it possible to go from Euphoria to sadness in a week?
ITs getting complicated. He is clearly crazy about me, as I am about him. But he is wracked with guilt about his wife. However, hes told me his marriage is a mess and he is staying with her for the kids. `sigh
Some of the interesting snippets of convo:
i will enjoy working on this relationship with you
even though we have to work on these strange issues
that you would not encounter with a single guy
but you need to do something for me too
i may go to far as well
and you may have to say...
are you sure you want to go there?
i'm weak i tell you
weak
when it comes to you
hey sweet thang
C :) hey BF of mine
F :)
F you just have to give me time
C I know
F takes me a while to ease into you
F and it's not your fault
F just me
C you are just really special to me, Richard
F ditto
F Sharyn
C hurts me to see you uncomfortable or stressed
F well i know
C and I feel guilty that Im contributing to that
F naw
F you help me
C you have been a great addition to my life
F ty
C and I am not going to qualify that with "online life"
F you too though
F see this is one of those "Be careful Richard" moments for me
F cause right now i am really really really likin you
C yes
F ( a lot)
C Im getting heart pains
C :)
F me too baby
F 'sigh
C `hug
F 'kiss
C `kiss
F :)
F sheesh
C ?
F wish wish wish
C yes
F got a penny?
F toss it in the fountain
C yes :)
i cant say this in public lol.... but
ok
well, i was just thinking
that we'd have GREAT um.... because...
the best umm... is when you are trying hard to please the other... not just yourself
and we try hard to make each other feel good
that may be more than i should have ever said
C: I am just enjoying you, nothing remarkable about me
F :O
F ok well
F i hope you weren't planning on going to bed soon
F cause i will now begin to list the remarkabel things
C lol
F 1. Intelligent
C please dont
C sounds boring already
F :O
C lol
F 2. Witty
F 3. Talented
stop
F4. Nice voice
F 5. Great Laugh
C lol
F no i wont
C come on
F 6. Charming
F i will do this every time you tell me that you aren nothing special
F cause you ARE
