Another walk down the road to psychosis...

LOL Well, not hardly. I have said it before elsewhere and I will say it again here.

I am spending way too much time in There. Period. I'll be looking back at this as my lost days/weeks/months in There :P

Richard is my guy. He is attentive and sweet and flattering and funny and intelligent. Greg seems to have cooled a bit and that's a relief though he did manage to embarrass me two fold yesterday. I was at a busy event in my zone, sitting in a back corner when he logged on. He entered my zone and RAN all the way across it to where I sat. A bit overly dramatic me thinks. Anyways, we start talking about a little bit of stuff, nothing too interesting. And then another (nosy) player came up to start talking with us. In the midst of all this, Greg says, "oh, girl, Im gonna get you back on Sociolotron!:" Now this is another onilne game which he and I have talked about playing together. It has a high sexual content level to it and it seemed fun to try as a couple and now that we are strictly sexual, still appropriate. We havent tried it yet, but for him to say that infron of the other player--who just so happens to know how into Richard I am--pissed me off. I immediately IMd him and asked him not to mention that game in side There, at least not in such a way to let folks know Im playing. What an indiscreet idiot.

The day before, Greg and I had bumped into each other at his zone. Or, I should say, I landed in his zone and he immediately came in. We started chewing the fat, I mentioned that game and this little eddy of flirting came up. Next thing I knew we were hoping over to YiM and he turned his cam on so I could see him sitting shirtless as we chatted. Still can't figure out WHY I manage to get so turned on by him at times. I think part of it is I like shocking him. Saying stuff he hasnt heard a woman say, and turning him on in the process. right now, the little mind fuck I have going with him is also satisfying. Mean, I know. Like a cat toying with her prey. By the end point of our convo, he was again offering to flying out, even if it was just for some marathon sex. LOL I think 4 years without getting laid is what keeps him in hot pursuit of me. All those protests of not wanting to stay sexual with me if we were not a couple are dissolving the in heat of our cyber conversations. Men....so very very predictable. Thank god :D

Richard and I remain asexual but very together. We ventured over to RVS so he could show me around, and it was clear he was really happy I was doing that for his benefit. I cant even speculate how many hours together online we spent this weekend. I know on Sunday I got home form the hospital at like 1pm and we were up until 1am playing. Yes there were some breaks in there but ...uh....ok, time for me to sound pyscho, but Id say at least 8 hours were spent with us playing/voice chatting etc. Yet it was all plutonic. yes we fired off blow kisses but mostly not. I got a good laugh last nite cuz our mutual friend Bunny came up to me, saying how "familiar" my hoverbike looked (it was Richards). I said oh its a loaner, too cheap to buy another bike. *smirK* She then said well, anyways, tell me what is up withh you and...um...you know... I said "I dont know what you are talking about?"lol I managed to distract her briefly and when she went in for the kill again, I asked Richard to come rescue me, which he did. ROFL But, I told him, quite frankly, I have no problem telling anyone. He was curious if it was still a secret, and I said no. If folks ask, be honest. We dont need to advertise it but... "Its the worst kept secret in There" ROFL He told me he had removed the line in his profile about being married (for the sake of the blabbermouths.) It shocked me and I told him Id never expect him to do that. We know whats going on and thats all the matters.

I felt very wistful last night. We had spent the whole day together and yet at the end, he just bailed. He has done that a couple of times and it just felt odd. I laid in bed last night figuring it out. Is he trying to avoid the awkwardness? Is it not intuitive? Well he logged on this am, and was being sweet and nice so i decided to ask. The issue for him isnt the lack of desire to kiss or cuddle with me but rather the concern about offending his wife. "she might understand a blowkiss but not a KISS kiss" I suggested if it felt ok to him, we could save that kinda thing for when she isnt around. He agreed and we both said how ackward the nights have felt ending so abruptly. I might still not get the ending I want, but at least its nice to know the feelings are there on both sides.

He did make me smile yesterday. As we were bumming around, trying to figure out what to do, I asked well what do you WANT to do? "Being with you is my agenda in There." awww :) Stupid stuff, I know, but he just manages to say stuff that surprises me and makes me grin. Gotta find a way to clone him so I have a single man version of him ;) Hearing him say Im a lot like his wife is funny--and tough to hear.

I just wonder if this balancing will turn out right. Greg for sexual heat, Richard for fun and romance and laughter. Build up the libido with Richard and release it wiht Greg. More importantly, what will happen if/when they hear of their respective roles in my online life? My sweet friend Chris complicated my life in There on Friday by logging on drunk and starting to sorta come on to me--or at least confessing he had tried to come on to me. LOL he then segued over to taling about RL romance issues which just made me uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I was juggling an IM from Psi and another from Richard. As predicted, despite all my attempts to the contrary, Richard got jealous of my time with Chris. He said it was stupid but he had felt it. LOL Its so funny that he and I can talk about wanting to keep it clean, honor his marriage etc but then we regularly spend hours upon hours together, confess to missing each other and admit to being jealous when we are apart. The emotions we share seem more a threat than some stupid emote. But Ill take those emotions more than any emote, any day. it was great to log on yesterday and have him say "Is it silly for me to say I missed you?" :)  ¶ 10:50 AM

  Well its interesting how things you think might be simple never are. I emailed greg, saying this isnt working, we should end it and btw, if you think you might wanna stay flirty/sexy, thats cool with me. I hung out in There with Richard, just waiting. (Richard is my married guy friend.) Waiting for Greg to log on, and soon realizing I'd have to go look for him on the beta server. I said goodbye, wish me luck, and headed in.

He was there, of course. I took a deep breath and IMd him. Wondering to myself, had he read the email? His replies were cool, detached. As usual, I wondered? He asked after a minute if I wanted a summons. He added "Im with Ezmie and so and so." No, I said, I dont think thats a good idea. Did you read my email? He went to go check it, apparently he had not.

He came back..."so, let me get this clear...you dont think we work as a couple right now, or in general?" And so it went...line by painful line, him trying to clarify it. He then said he was puzzled by the offer to keep it frisky between us and I said if you arent comfortable with it, its ok. "I did that with you because I cared about you." "ok, I said, no problem." he said he was going to head back to regular There and I said Id see him There.

He didnt come onto regular there. I stayed with Richard, and we tried to be happy that we were together. But I felt guilty.

Yesterday, I was with Richard all day--it was just great. At one point, Richard and I were in my zone with some friends and they started jigging. The running joke between Richard and I is I do not jig, because I have been so unhappy about Greg. Well, I jigged. And he was laughing and yelling about it and he said he KNEW what it meant and was glad... How goofy is that?? shared goofiness...

I felt bad cuz Greg hadnt logged on as of 10pm his time, when he showed up. I IMd him to say hi, and give him the money. he came to my zone as Richard did laps and we talked. About nothing, really. Then...he in IM told me he couldnt be sexual with me cuz it was something we did as a couple. He then went on to say that hed been thinking about me all weekend and had decided prior to my email to again try hard to make me happy. That that was his plan--to do whatever it took. But I was blunt with him...that the issues over and over made me lose faith in us, and seeing him flirting with Geena just destroyed whatever trust in him I had. And he verbally castigated himself over it, and said he normally is very attentive very flirty with his girl but had decided to try something diff with me since that technique had failed. he then said he was going to have to try pursuing Ezmie to see where it could go. "Do not talk to me about her, even as a friend. She has done nothing but tried to break us up, and I cannot help you wiht her in any regard." Actually i was even harsher than that...LOL

He then said again how he is usually very romantic towards his girlfriend and then said let me give you a sample of what is in me right now. He then went on to quote this sweet romantic lyrical paragraph and I just cringed. It was so clear how much he was feeling and meanwhile I am just crushing so hard on Richard, it didnt phase me. Richard and I were in IM the whole time. He was supportive and patient and sweet and funny. And yes, everything Greg wasn't. I said to richard "Im trying very hard not to say "why is it you were never as good to be in the two months of us as a couple as Richard has been in two weeks as friends?" Richard said, you have been my GF thats why. You have been my GF since the beginning. Oh that was just too sweet, too wonderful. I just wanted to shut down the chat with Greg and run of fwith Richard.

Finally after the brief psychotic window of being too romantic with me, Greg saw it wasnt working and said he needed to go. dont be stranger I said...I MEAN that. good night Chey, he said.

I went off to join richard, still a little shocked. And a second or two later, Greg spoke again in the IM. Before he'd left my zone, he said be happy and keep that pussy wet. ROFL To this he added something like "meow....purr." lol and it was slwoly flirty from there. And I set the tone...sex only, no romance. And I was dirty. And throughout it all, I hung out with Richard. We explored There as I cybered with Greg. LOL Finally Greg bailed and Richard and I got ready to call it a night. We had a couple of great moments as we were exploring there...just nice moments were we felt so right together (whatever that means.) Where I did wanna kiss from him...so finally as we stood outside Egypt saying good night, I told him "dont duck" and I ```blowkissed him. :) He did the same. Then neither of us wanted to log off. *sigh* This is going to be trouble, isnt it? I am pretty sure....

This am I logged in, and so did Richard. We hung together and then Greg IMd me and it ws like NOTHING BAD had been said about us breaking up. He was saying how he'd thought of me at work, etc. 'sigh.

I'm forgetting some of the more great stuff Richard said to me. But it was good...made me feel good like it always does. Trouble trouble toil and double....

  ¶ 4:53 PM

  Today is the day.

Greg/zone op guy comes back to town/aka There. He's sent a couple of simple friendly emails over the weekend, which I should not have responded to but did. My replies were bland, polite. How appropos. The remnants of our VC that Thursday night are still ringing in my head. A delicious feeling but not comparing to how I feel right now.

what, you ask, is going on now?

Well, after a weekend sans Greg, my great married friend and I are just cruising. Sometimes we are together online,sometimes we arent. But its always good, always fun. He IMs me immediately when he comes on. He listens. He is interested. He does all the stuff that Greg didnt, all the stuff that pissed me off with Greg, is a non issue with this guy. I know I demand a lot--but I give a lot too. And this applies for friends and flirts. Greg just was below this threshold.

I spent the weekend sorta checking out my options. Who was was out there in my niche of There who might be fun to hang and flirt with? Didn't see much, and commented to my married friend it would be so much easier to dump greg if I had something to go TO. I was blunt with him, telling him I wish he wasn't married, wish I could clone him, wish whatever. Made it clear I had a crush, and it still makes me smile that he said that to me, first. Last night I hung a bit with a fellow player and decided to try to put that flirty spin on it. He liked it, and I saw a potential. You dont try to hit a homerun the first nite, but it was a warm up, albeit a bland one. (If anyone can call his request for me to post the following on the sign in his zone bland: "**** is a hottie and I wanna have his babies!") I left him that night knowing it might be something we would pursue.

I headed back to my zone and stood there with my married friend. And we talked. About everything. About me and Greg. Even a bit of TSO and our histories there. And I told him I'd kinda scouted the possibilities this weekend to see what was there. He was honest and told me it bummed him a bit to think of me getting another There boyfriend, and leaving him "in the dust." "Well, I replied, I will tell you quite honestly that my crush for you is still there, and I do worry a bit that crush might get worse if we take it further. Greg has acted as a buffer, to some degree. Being single now, means the potential for me to be crushing on you hard core." He paused and said "you aren't the only one crushing here, you know?" He again said that if he was to ever again have a There GF it would be me. He paused "Well, what is involved in having a There GF or BF?" I said it is whatever the two people decide it is. Is a blowkiss ok? Is a '''kiss ok? I know cyber or real sensual talking is a no no--anything you'd feel like you needed to hide from your wife. He said he had no problems with the emotes we had in world. Ok, I said. Well, i know there is a trade off coming for me. I can be with you and realize there is no potential of RL and no cyber, or I can keep looking and know I'll be leaving behind someone I really get a long well with. "So what are we saying?" he asked. Im telling you the cyber doesnt matter to me. "Well Im game" he replied. "me too" I said. He then told his best friend in world...ROFL...how cute, huh? Made the friend promise to tell no one. The friend said "what about the other guy" `sigh. So I have to cut Greg loose because enoughf olks know we are together that "being with" my married friend would be a problem. I'm trying to figure out if an email is ok--is adequate, is painful or no worse than chatting.

But I'm giddy, euphoric. He's mine...LOL And Im crushing, hard core. We stood in the zone alone last night, and I could feel the pause. Its clear he is waiting till I'm "officially" free. but why am I looking forward to that first virtual kiss? LOL

How utterly bizzare is all this??  ¶ 12:14 PM

  Well lets see, its been about 5 months, I guess its time for a new post. I actually got side tracked for a long spell, posting in my very private blog to whom no one knows the addy. I then took a break from posting altogether. But since this blog still exists and exists under a nickname with certain connotations, Im going to update.

Well, lets see....I fell in love, again. With someone online. Again. He lives 3kmiles away and is brilliant and funny and neurotic. Too bad he had a major meltdown over a paternity suit and lost all ability to communicate with me. So I gave up the day before V day.


About the same time, I was up to my eyeballs in There. Yes, another online thing. A game a chat environment, whatever the hell it is. I was juggling...oh lordie was I juggling. There was my good friend Chris, who was my main hanging out companion. Always felt there was a potential romance vibe but never pursued it. Pretty soon, a "zone op" in There, Greg, started getting friendly. Real friendly, real flirty, real flattering. I liked it. I let him continue. I knew he was on the rebound but thought it might just be intriguing. But, I met someone else. A married guy. *sigh* Yes, virtual and married, how unobtainable is that? But he was amazing. Fucking amazing. Made me laugh, made me think, made me horny. Doesnt get any better. I was juggling. Would it be him or Greg? Decisions decisions. I was favoring the married guy--much more mental stimulation. He readily admitted he was into me. That he missed me and got jealous of my time with zone op guy. Not shy about how he felt--how refreshing.

Finally the night came. Married guy and I had been beating around the bush over how much we wanted to cyber. He summoned me to the middle of no where and dropped a place to sit. And we hit some lag. And it got annoying. He then crashed offline.

And NEVER came back. never. not once. In...a month? two? Not sure. My emails have been ignored. He is gone.

So I let the zone op sweep me off my feet. Until he started being an ass. Too busy with this, too busy with that, not enough time for us. I was unhappy. I told him, he worked on it. He started saying some erotic stuff to me and I found myself turned on beyond belief. Not sure why...was it the facade that he was some good Christian boy and saying all these naughty things to me was a big no no? Who knows, but I was totally into it. So even though everything else between us was blah...mediocre, I stayed in it.

But then I started being unhappy. The cyber was too much or too little. His attention was too much or too little. He started pressuring a real life meeting. Sure he was 2k miles away, sure I knew it would never work out, but he kept pushing.

In all this, I made a new friend. A guy--a married guy. A married guy who made it clear he had no interest in crossing that line into online infidelity. But it didnt matter--he made me laugh, he made me think, and despite his best intentions, he turned me on. He made me realize how unhappy I was with the zone op guy. After too many nites of bitching to him about the other guy, I decided it was enough. time to cut it off with the other guy.

That was two nites ago. Greg and I both agreed I wasnt happy. That maybe this wouldnt work. That maybe his impromptu invite to have him fly out the next day for a 4 day weekend was unrealistic, considering all our arguing and unhappiness. Maybe we`d take the weekend, think about it. See how we felt.

But it happened. We were packing up, getting ready to say good nite. And he said something...not suggestive, just something with potential. And I took it. I played off it. He pushed it. I parlayed back. Pretty soon we were using voice chat to have explicit cyber like I have never had. Makes me blush to think about it. So Fucking Hot. I knew why we hadnt ended it sooner. Because for all the BS between us, there was this sexual heat that just bllinded us to everything else.

So yah...the same nite I broke it off with him, I also had the hottest cyber ever with him. How stupid--how remarkably like RL, isnt it? I did something not too dissimilar in RL a year or two ago. LOL Libido over logic, thats my motto. But I *knew* we had said enough before that I could end the relationship part of it.

I spent yesterday with the married guy who was untouchable. We just click. We insult and joke and laugh and just "get" each other. And we walk the line. But we were together pretty much the whole day. And it just felt good. Felt good to talk to someone and feel like they were attentive. Talk to someone and feel like they gave a fuck. Talk to someone who wanted to be with you. `sigh.

My friend Chris talked to me the day I broke up with the zone op guy. Asked me about my relationship with the zone op guy. Again imiplied there was a potential for more between us. Not goig to happen but a nice sentiment.

Its odd, you know? Im educated, intelligent, funny, open minded, etc. But I find it hard sometimes to connect IRL. So I spend a lotta time online. Odd, huh?

  ¶ 12:54 PM